To say there are no words is not enough, to find words is even harder. Toby Emo, friend, brother, outlaw, husband, father is no longer with us.
I want to barf even writing that. I want to cry every time I think about it, and I really want to find the thing responsible and beat the fuck out of it.
But there is no thing.
I want desperately someone or something to hate. A drunk driver, cancer, something. I know that might sound weird but having this much useless anger and grief bubbling inside and not being able to hate something makes it worse. But it was an accident. A stupid motherfucking accident.
Watching the news and seeing all the useless politicians, criminals, and drains on society still breathing while this man is not, makes me more angry.
Seeing some of the speed in which people were posting on facebook messages of consolation, because i can hear his voice, in his lite American accent ' c'mon, seriously guys' and it makes me more angry.
Seeing someone post that fucking Fast and Furious 7 ' Ill see you again' song link nearly fucking put me over the top.
And I am angry at myself.
For not having a valid passport, for not living closer, for not reaching out more, and for feeling completely helpless while some of the best people I know struggle to make any sense out of this.
Is there any sense to be made, No, No there isnt.
The only thing that lowers the anger is thinking about how fortunate I was to have the time I had in knowing him and sharing some memories with him and his family.
In knowing what a great friend, loving husband and father, dedicated son, and 100% class act this man was. That he was funny and smart, passionate about his work and life and took every opportunity to enjoy those things everyday.
Very few will understand the picture that goes along with this post, those that do, know the meaning and can hopefully find a smile through the tears. It is so difficult to that while the wound is so raw and fresh and will probably never fully heal.
I am going to end here, I will ask though that if you read this, please do not comment.
Just know that his family and friends are hurting, send good thoughts and prayers, better still, go hug someone special and appreciate the time you have with them, and I will do the same.
Sean " BigBoyRunning" Ryan